Thursday, January 30, 2014

Life is like a roller coaster ride

I have been really troubled, depressed and agonized lately. That explains the rants for the previous posts.. Haha, I look back and laugh at myself most of the time as I sound like an emogirl95. It isn't because things are changing for the better or whatsoever, which in fact they're becoming even more complicated than before. Though I don't feel good myself these days, especially today, I constantly remind myself that life is like a roller coaster ride. Maybe someone up there is putting me up for a test which I think that I'm failing really badly. There may be ups and downs just like how it would be sunny after it rains but I realized how much more I learn when life is at its worse. However, I still prefer my life to be smooth sailing of course!

From today's incident which I will not elaborate, I learnt that actually, you don't have to make everyone like you. Why try so hard when eventually there'd be this one black sheep who dislikes you for whatever you do? You may be the nicest person in the world, or good looking.. But there would be STILL be people who would disagree and people who don't like you no matter what you do. Why should you even try making people these like you when they're obviously not going to put any effort about changing their mindsets about you? Best thing to do? Ignore these people and focus on the people who love you for who you are instead.

Only if you're able to accept your flaws and laugh at your own mistakes, then people's words wouldn't matter anymore. Their words wouldn't be able to hurt you because you know your own imperfections and you don't need these people to pinpoint them for you to know. These people are usually the type who would try to make themselves better by preying on other's insecurities. I used to not like myself for many reasons and I was really affected when people would laugh at me about things I'm unhappy about myself. Though I admit, there are still things about myself that I dislike, I don't feel as affected anymore if these trolls laugh at me about it. Honestly, I believe that if you don't have anything good to say, keep it to yourself. Some people just don't get it. 

Yes, I'm done trying to be in good terms with everyone. Even if you fall out of a so called friendship you had with a classmate, whatsoever...

Urgh, so glad I'm able to see her true colours. Ew, a friend who backstabs is not a true friend.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

What pains me most

So far, I've been so clueless about my life. I don't know what I' m supposed to do in future because there're so many things that stopping me from what I REALLY want to do. I don't have anyone guiding me. My thoughts, doubts and questions are driving me crazy inside. I feel so overwhelmed by school that I feel so tired everyday. I'm on the verge of giving up on everything... And whenever I'm alone, my thoughts kills me, little by little everyday. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

We all change

First of all, it's funny that I haven't given anyone I know my blog's URL but only put it up on my instagram profile and yet, judging from the view counts people still come to my blog to read my rants and not only that, some even go back to my older posts waaaay back.. Those which even I don't remember myself posting. Stalker. HAHAHA! Whether you've come to my blog to laugh at me or to read it out of boredom, it's still heartwarming that some people still bothers reading even if for the wrong reasons. :')

Anyway, as I was feeling rather lonely tonight, my mind just can't stop thinking, or rather, over-thinking. Lying on my bed whilst looking around I realized that my bedroom has too much sentimental value. I guess it's because I've spent most of my life in my bedroom since many years ago when I moved into my house. Everything in my room means a lot to me and if something were to be missing I'll seriously panic. Sometimes I just look around my room only to realize how much things have changed. Things from the people close to me now and in the past, friends who have come and gone have given to me as gifts or whatsoever.. I'll treasure them all and put them in my room. No wonder I can't seem to move on. It's like I'm still holding onto the past which I know very clearly, will never be the same again. I don't understand why I seem the prefer the past more.. but for sure, I was much happier back then. Right now I have to many mental battles that I feel I'm going crazy. My current situation is too complicated for anyone to understand that's why I can guarantee that none of my friends knows at all. And I especially hate those who think they know me and have the cheek to tell me something is my style/ not my style or suits me based on image in their heads which I've portrayed. Doesn't mean that I often wear dark clothing wear rather "goth" accessories and all mean that I don't like pastel colors and cute stuff. In fact, I LOVE pastel colors and hello kitty. Seriously, f*ck all those people who tell me I don't suit having things like hello kitty. And I realized most of these people who assume that are those who often try to put me down.

Honestly I really hate my school right now for putting me in this class. Time and time again I've been let down by some people who I will not name. In the beginning I've been left out so many times. I remember me and 2 other friends used to be known as a 'trio' right from the start of poly life.. we were in the same CCA and every week, they would have lunch without inviting me every single time before CCA. Of course I was upset as this wasn't the only time I was left out, even in class or outside class they only took me as an option. That was about 2 yrs ago and it affected me quite a bit to the extent that I felt that I was the problem. Naturally, I left them and quit my CCA which in the end the other 2 quit and joined some other CCA together without me. :) I thought it was just them. But NOW, as of today, I learnt so much that among my '7 people clique' most of them are like that. They leave friends out and think it's alright. They wear class/school tees together, they go out, they go to the ladies, refill water bottles, go the gym, shopping, buy food/eat without inviting EVERYBODY. Sometimes some of them just disappear without telling the rest where they are. Once, I overslept for some event and they did not even bother to call me up or be concerned that I was not there physically. Wow. And they could have helped me take my attendance but they didn't. Only when I asked them to help me with that, then they decided to mark my attendance for me. However, once I asked them to take attendance for me as I was late but they didn't. Also, some of them would tell me some of the rest's secrets when they're not supposed to tell me and back-stab them. This aren't true friends. True friends wouldn't leave anyone out. But the rest of them seem so happy and contented with that. It's like they're satisfied only being friends in school and outside school, don't meet up at all as good friends. Maybe if they meet up is also for project purposes and rarely, to celebrate someone else's birthday. Talking about celebrating birthdays, I find it very unfair that they have celebrated most of their birthday's before and never mine. It's not that I'm petty or what la. But seriously, how can you leave someone else's birthday and be so enthusiastic about celebrating your other friend's birthday? For projects in school, they would form a group without even asking the rest. It's not in my nature to do what they did to me. But seriously, they deserve a taste of their own medicine. Fortunately now I've learnt that selfish people don't deserve my time and attention and trust me, if they ever needed my help I will NOT lend a helping hand. How stupid of me to have thought I was the problem when it isn't. Even stupider of me to care or share things with you guys when I don't get the same treatment. Friends should act like friends and even if you're not friends, you should act with conscience. Is it really a need to be so competitive in school and risking friendship?

I don't care if you're the person who I'm referring to whose reading this post. In fact I would be glad that you've read it and you ought to do some self reflection. Don't think I'm such a hypocrite for not pointing this out to you all in real life because I am very sure I wouldn't be calm when I talk about this issue and I assure you that you wouldn't wanna see me angry for real. In fact, I am very sure I have pointed out to some of you about how I felt but nothing changed. And besides, you notice I haven't even pointed out any names? If you feel guilty, remember, I did not refer to anyone specifically. :)