Sunday, June 22, 2014

Proof & insecurities;

I try to keep myself busy all the time so I wouldn't let my thoughts ruin me. Night time is always the scariest. It seems as though the time before I go to bed is the time my thoughts and emotions starts filling in. Over-thinking? I think not.. Everything I have in my head is the real deal and the truth is I'm scared. I feel lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I only have myself to rely on. I'm the only person who fully understands the situation I'm in, and the only person who knows about it. Yet.. I don't know what to do. I'm fucked up. If only I was a woman with no fear just like I claim I am.

My thoughts are choking on you.
Stop telling me, show me.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

6:22 a.m.


I have just looked back at my pictures in this space from, at most, up till only... 3 years back and I feel so embarrassed, so ashamed...... of how I looked back then. I thought this would only occur when looking back at my other blogs of which I own and have not deleted from back then when I was still in primary/secondary school. HAHAHA! IM SO DAMN THANKFUL I HATED TO TAKE PICTURES OF MYSELF BACK THEN!!! :'D Because! This means I have lesser pictures of me and that ppl would have lesser pictures to laugh at! >:D

Im sooo soo sooooo tempted to delete every single picture I have from long ago, because I know people still go back to see them.. :/  but I honestly can't bear to. >< eesh, I'm someone who can't move on you see? Yes, it is prolly one of my bad points, I KNOW HAHA.


I just thought of this, that maybe a few years down the road, I'll still be laughing at how I am right now again... Hmm but then again, maybe not. Maybe. Just maybe I'll not be as concerned about "looks" because I'll probably be too old and wrinkly like a prune to care too much about that factor.

Sometimes, thinking about the future really scares me. Like for sure,  things are going to change a whole lot. And being the person I am, I hate change. I love being in my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people. I can't bear loosing anyone. Ten years ago, I was imagining how I'd be ten years later and here I am, nothing I've ever imagined myself to be and yet, I've made it here today. I've imagined myself to go to college and yet I chose the polytechnic path in the midst of completing my final year. I thought I'd finally grow up and be matured, but I still enjoy watching cartoons and anime, and still play computer games. I guess some things just don't change.. xD However, throughout the past ten years, I have experienced so much, done so many things for the first time, picked up new skills, joined the corporate world, went to new places, learnt to play so many new instruments, discovered my interest in arts and music and met so many new people. All these I've never regretted doing at all. Yes, there were times where I had really really bad experiences but it had made me stronger and more independent. Not trying to be cheesy or cliché but deep down, I really really want to experience more good things in life and live life to my fullest. Yes, I know i am still young, have much more to experience and yet to achieve the "success" that is portrayed in my mind but who knows, things may not be what everyone expects it to be.

I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life. The people who have come and gone, and especially the people who have stayed, have made me who I am today. Despite the inevitable challenges that I may have to face in the future, I have faith and hope that I will be able to overcome them.

Friday, June 13, 2014

One of these nights

It's just another night where I just lay in bed trying to figure out this life, wanting to share a piece of my mind with someone else but.. :( no one knows me well enough for me to share my deepest, darkest thoughts with I guess.. Besides, who would even care enough to want to listen to all the negativity and see the pessimistic side of me.. People all just want to have fun and play around and all.

Sometimes I just wished I had someone to talk to about everything, who would have deep conversations with me without hiding anything and have conversations with me that would never end... I guess it's too much to ask for since it's never going to happen. People just talk to me when they feel like it or not and end conversations abruptly.. like what did I ever do wrong..  It affects me quite a lot even though I don't mention it. However, I'm slowly starting to feel numb, it's sad yet realistic. If I were to just disappear for a week and leave my phone untouched, no one would probably even notice and care enough to come look for me. I laugh at myself sometimes for being so shallow, attention seeking, living in my own fantasy and wanting romantic and sweet things to happen in my life... but you can't deny, deep down inside you want it too.

Haha.. Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind..