Babaabaaabaaaatum

Just last weekend I had a short trip to Batam with 3 aunties (mom, grandma and aunt)! xD :X 2D1N wasn't sufficient to complete our whole itinerary that was planned beforehand, sadly. (not for me, but for the 3 aunties - 'cos I couldn't wait to get back home asap lolol xD) They initially planned to have their nails and hair done + massage on the 2nd day but did not get anything done at all O.O... Day 1 was pretty eventful and exhausting at the same time as we had to stick with a tour group and had to travel from place to place quite frequently. Being in a tour group is not my thing as I prefer free and easy. :/ We had lunch at 933 seafood restaurant which I felt was -meh- even though I'm a huge seafood lover. While eating there back then, I kept thinking about Singapore's chilli crab and.. bbq stingray....... and wished I could have some instead. *drools* In my opinion, the food there pales in comparison with the seafood I usually have in Singapore. But then again, the food is super cheap there, soooooo I guess I can't be expecting too much. :) 

We visited a number of dry food stalls and throughout the whole time I was sampling on the various types of dry foods. :p I felt bad for sampling so much even though I wasn't planning to buy anything. Therefore, I bought a few bags of prawn crackers. Yes, GOOD KARMA COME TO MEEEEEE~ LOL :x I only spent about $10 SGD there though. :p The rest of my money flew to shopping at Batam's Golden Factory Outlet. Even though the  things there are super affordable, it all adds up. Everyone seemed to be in harmony when saying "cheapcheapcheap" while picking the clothing from different brands HAHAHAHAHA. I grabbed too many pieces that I ended up having to let go of some, otherwise I would be broke :'D oh~ the agony of letting go~~~~ </3 :x

When my mom mentioned that we would be having a massaging session, I was horrified and reluctant to go as I had a rather bad first massaging experience at Shen Zhen some time ago. However, I decided to give it another chance and I was glad I did because it was rather relaxing even though I was trying my best not to burst out laughing when she was on the area of my legs and rib cage xD xD I'm so glad it did not leave me with aches all over my body like how the one in Shen Zhen did. :'D hehe.

When we finally got to our hotel in the evening, I was so sorry I judged it based on the picture on the internet LOL! It was so much more in real life. So pretty and instaworthy <3 <3 Best thing about the hotel is that they had free wifi even though the connection was bad!!!!!!! ❤❤❤ YAY! Oh, did I mention that the place was instaworthy? Well, it was a pity I myself wasn't instaworthy.... AT ALL. LOL. I REGRET NOT BRINGING PRETTIER CLOTHING OK? HAHAHA. Even my grandma said that I looked like I was wearing pyjamus out!!! T_T 

  

I did not want to waste the opportunity to not be able to capture all the pretty backgrounds around the hotel, so I just had to make do.... and give a HUGE SMILE =D <---- like this! Just that my eyes are closed. :p On the second day, we went around the hotel just to snap some pictures, it took quite some time but I guess it was all worth it :p I was their photographer for the day.. I guess it's time I take photos for others instead? :p I think I took over 300 photos for them LOL. Too many to choose from but I chose the photo below because it's one of the rare pictures that my grandma actually SMILES  for the camera.. xD

 Caption: 1... 2.. 3.. aunties! :x (Hope my mom doesn't see this. =D)

Kay, I'm out of words to say.....

Well, I got a little ambitious and decide to do some hair flipping :p Who could've guessed it would turn out like that at first try? HEHE. #AchievementUnlocked

I should stop trying to add captions below my photos..........

Hehe, in conclusion, this trip was more than I expected it to be.. Even though my money spent there was more than expected, I'm still happy I have such good buys =D I wouldn't have been able to survive without my grandma's convertible walking stick during the trip though! :x :p Because it can be converted into a seat, I kept hogging onto it while the rest were shopping for my own benefit HEHEHEHE.. One of the best inventions ever!!! I think I need one, then maybe I can sit on the MRT on my portable chair during peak hours whilst travelling from the East to the West for school... =D =D =D Sounds like a good plan eh.. Just hope I don't get stomped.. xD 

Long time no see

2014 will be ending soon. Typically, this would be the time where everyone would look back and reflect on the year, so have I. 2014 has been a year where a few windows of opportunities opened for me. :) Because of that I am extremely grateful and I'm also looking forward to 2015 even more. Hopefully it would be even better for me and everyone else. I can't help but to feel that the year just swept by as time passed really fast this year. 1 year ago I was working at my aunt's company during the school holidays, and now here I am typing out what's on my mind.

This week I managed get some time out and modelled for Twoxies. It was a fun shoot as I get to try different styles that I have never tried out before. Sometimes I look at myself in the pictures and think "Is this me?" Hahaha I can't get used to how I look in pictures from blogshops. It's mainly because I usually do not have eyeliner, falsies, blusher and lipstick on + my hair is usually let down and in a mess + I usually wear T-shirt, shorts and slippers (Yes, very lapsup I know). Well, it's nice to see myself in a different looks sometimes :) Here are 2 of my favourite clothing from Twoxies which are sold out at the moment. I personally would get my hands on them myself, but honestly, I do not have any occasion to wear them out to... :\ 

Hahaha, I feel rather unfamiliar and inexperienced when it comes to this whole blogshop thingy. There are so many models that are much more skillful these days. I should probably just lean back and do online shopping instead. :)

Annnd, It's the school holidays now and I finally have time to just sit back and relax. :) Just 1 more term and I will be graduating from school. Haha, I'm not sure if that's something to look forward to because I have not decided on my path after graduation. :( Time to start planning already!!!

Growing up

I have been thinking about it for quite some time about what I would do now, if someone were to do or say things that upsets me. This year hasn't been smooth sailing at all as I've fallen out of at least 5 friendships with people who used to be close to me. At least I thought they were.. I may seem unaffected by it but the truth is that I'm absolutely bothered by the fact that close friends can act like strangers, as if we shared no memories with each other, as though I have never mattered to any one of them. The truth hurts so much. We used to be classmates and a 'clique', but some things happened and one woman from the group said things about me, I confronted her for that. And it backfired on me, badly. I've been isolated by that group ever since. One of them claimed that shes tired of "taking sides". In the first place, no one asked her to take any one's side but apparently, she didn't take mine and now act like I don't exist at all, doesn't even look at me, avoids me and treat me as though I'm invisible. Thanks for assuming I have no emotions nor feelings. Now, we still see each other in school but only 2 out of the rest approach me when they see me. However, everything's changed, I feel uneasiness in their forced smile. It's just weird to see them still as a clique even in school, only without me. I don't know what went wrong actually, why did it even end up like this. I guess in the first place, I didn't matter at all to them. However, given another chance, I would still choose to do the same thing as I did before. I don't regret it because I know who my true friends are. Those who would stand by me no matter what happened. Actually, come to think of it, I'm quite grateful this happened. It has really made me opened my eyes. I'd rather have 1 true friend than a clique who will never be there for me when I needed them.

I'm trying my best to not allow the same thing to happen again. I also realized that after completing my internship program, I've learnt to accept people's views of me and that it's impossible to make everyone like me. During that period, one of my poly tutor outright told me that her first impression of me was incapable and incompetent just because of my looks and how fair I am, but she then told me she realized otherwise, that I was actually serious about my work. At that point I was shocked but I appreciated her honesty, wholeheartedly.. One of my friend reminded me that I have to choose my friends in school wisely. I know my parents and teachers used to say that, but as I grew older, I forgotten the importance of that.. Somehow it just slipped my mind. I know it's inevitable that there will still be negative people out there to bring you down somehow and can never be happy for your success, but, I'm trying to avoid them from now. I recently heard bullshit about myself, secondhand. I don't understand how someone can say such things to mock me and yet smile at my face and act so friendly when with me. No, this time I will not confront this person. I'm just gonna ignore and avoid her from now on because I don't want anymore drama in my life. Enough is enough. 

Proof & insecurities;

I try to keep myself busy all the time so I wouldn't let my thoughts ruin me. Night time is always the scariest. It seems as though the time before I go to bed is the time my thoughts and emotions starts filling in. Over-thinking? I think not.. Everything I have in my head is the real deal and the truth is I'm scared. I feel lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I only have myself to rely on. I'm the only person who fully understands the situation I'm in, and the only person who knows about it. Yet.. I don't know what to do. I'm fucked up. If only I was a woman with no fear just like I claim I am.

My thoughts are choking on you.

Stop telling me, show me.

6:22 a.m.

(DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN U BUT.... LENGTHY RANT-Y POST COMING UP!!!!! )

I have just looked back at my pictures in this space from, at most, up till only... 3 years back and I feel so embarrassed, so ashamed...... of how I looked back then. I thought this would only occur when looking back at my other blogs of which I own and have not deleted from back then when I was still in primary/secondary school. HAHAHA! IM SO DAMN THANKFUL I HATED TO TAKE PICTURES OF MYSELF BACK THEN!!! :'D Because! This means I have lesser pictures of me and that ppl would have lesser pictures to laugh at! >:D

Im sooo soo sooooo tempted to delete every single picture I have from long ago, because I know people still go back to see them.. :/  but I honestly can't bear to. >< eesh, I'm someone who can't move on you see? Yes, it is prolly one of my bad points, I KNOW HAHA.

*INSERTS RANDOM PICTUREEE* TAA DAAA

I just thought of this, that maybe a few years down the road, I'll still be laughing at how I am right now again... Hmm but then again, maybe not. Maybe. Just maybe I'll not be as concerned about "looks" because I'll probably be too old and wrinkly like a prune to care too much about that factor.

Sometimes, thinking about the future really scares me. Like for sure,  things are going to change a whole lot. And being the person I am, I hate change. I love being in my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people. I can't bear loosing anyone. Ten years ago, I was imagining how I'd be ten years later and here I am, nothing I've ever imagined myself to be and yet, I've made it here today. I've imagined myself to go to college and yet I chose the polytechnic path in the midst of completing my final year. I thought I'd finally grow up and be matured, but I still enjoy watching cartoons and anime, and still play computer games. I guess some things just don't change.. xD However, throughout the past ten years, I have experienced so much, done so many things for the first time, picked up new skills, joined the corporate world, went to new places, learnt to play so many new instruments, discovered my interest in arts and music and met so many new people. All these I've never regretted doing at all. Yes, there were times where I had really really bad experiences but it had made me stronger and more independent. Not trying to be cheesy or cliché but deep down, I really really want to experience more good things in life and live life to my fullest. Yes, I know i am still young, have much more to experience and yet to achieve the "success" that is portrayed in my mind but who knows, things may not be what everyone expects it to be.

I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life. The people who have come and gone, and especially the people who have stayed, have made me who I am today. Despite the inevitable challenges that I may have to face in the future, I have faith and hope that I will be able to overcome them.

One of these nights

It's just another night where I just lay in bed trying to figure out this life, wanting to share a piece of my mind with someone else but.. :( no one knows me well enough for me to share my deepest, darkest thoughts with I guess.. Besides, who would even care enough to want to listen to all the negativity and see the pessimistic side of me.. People all just want to have fun and play around and all.

Sometimes I just wished I had someone to talk to about everything, who would have deep conversations with me without hiding anything and have conversations with me that would never end... I guess it's too much to ask for since it's never going to happen. People just talk to me when they feel like it or not and end conversations abruptly.. like what did I ever do wrong..  It affects me quite a lot even though I don't mention it. However, I'm slowly starting to feel numb, it's sad yet realistic. If I were to just disappear for a week and leave my phone untouched, no one would probably even notice and care enough to come look for me. I laugh at myself sometimes for being so shallow, attention seeking, living in my own fantasy and wanting romantic and sweet things to happen in my life... but you can't deny, deep down inside you want it too.

Haha.. Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind.. 

Fifty-eight more days

As much as I'd like to have an interesting post, my life has been a routine since internship started. Guess my life wasn't as interesting to begin with. I've been told I'm more of an introvert which I, myself am not quite sure of. I would say I'm a mix of both ex&introverted. I can be super outgoing one day and in my own world the next day. HAHAHA! I was also told that I have a bad vibe, no? :( No wonder people don't like me/ stay away from me and don't approach me la LOL... :( It's sad how people judge me completely opposite from who I really am. So far, I don't think I'm doing very well at work. Probably it's because I did not have a particularly good impression on the first day itself. Looks like I have to fact the consequence of my actions, :(((( On a much cheerful note, I still have about 2 more months left to prove my worth... And they better see it otherwise... Otherwise I'm gonna burn this place down. No, I am joking. ;) Maybe.

Although my internship grades would not affect my GPA, I still want it to be good because honestly, I think I don't deserve a D. Most of the things here I picked up myself and they expect me to know how they operate just because I've learnt tax as a module in poly? I was not offered proper guidance honestly and I regret not complaining. TSK. I feel as though they just kicked me into a swimming pool and expect me to swim for the first time. LOL. No, please don't imagining it happening for real.. xD Haha, I just don't know why things always don't work out for me. Not to mention, my grades in school are taking a dive, and I'm so fortunate not to repeat any modules though I almost did. I WAS JUST LUCKY OK?! Most of my friends kept telling me that they're scared they'll forward module. IN THE END, grades so good. -.- I don't know what to say. Fuck you all. I really don't know what to say. Don't worry, I will not snatch your places in university.. You all can go fight for your seats for university among yourselves, just don't include me in, because, I know it for myself that I have no place there right from the start. I'd rather stay out of your competitive lives and mind my own business because this is not my major. Yes, I'm in the wrong course. It was a big mistake I know, but nothing I do will change the fact that I've already spent more than 2 years here. It's a struggle, yes, but I've set my mind to make sure I do not repeat the same mistakes again and do something I like instead, which is definitely not what I'm doing right now.

One day, things will change for the better, I'm sure of it. :)

Sugar Coated Lies

So many things I want to say but don't know who to trust enough
Vexed. Uneasy. Breathless.
I can literally feel my heartache. 
You said you'd miss me but you seem fine without me.
You said you'd be there for me but you weren't.
You said I mattered to you, yet you left me hanging.
You said I was your everything when I was nothing.
I waited for you. 
Too long.
I grew tired of waiting.
Things you told me.
They were sugar coated lies.
Lies which I believed were true.
So much for believing all that shit that you'd say.
Was it something I did? Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging.
No, not this time.
It hurts so... much...
You were all the things I thought I knew.. And I thought we could be.

The littlest things matters most

Whoohoo~ Finally a meetup with my friends on day 4 of CNY! <3 It was super impromptu and I'm glad most of them were able to make it. Simple things like this can really make my day. In fact I can feel my spirit being being lifted up HAHAHAHA. Yes, I was too happy that despite smiling like an idiot in the ONLY group shot we had, I STILL HAVE TO POST IT. 

Ok don't look anymore. Walao! my eyes look like 2 lines la. Yeah we had dinner at Timhowan and I had a bad diarrhea after that. Even had to get out of bed to rush to the toilet during the wee hours. It was that bad. I suspect it was the mango sago. Other than that, the food was good :) I still feel it was a waste to not be able to capture all the pics of the food we ordered... :(((( AHHHH BLAME THE HUNGRY PEEPS.  

Ending off with selfie~~ though I was damn tired alr. Vain what, what to do. I swear I did not edit my eyes... Though I admit it looks kinda creepy big, I guess it's big only at tt second when I snapped it only la cos they're usually quite small. Ok, Cya! :D

Life is like a roller coaster ride

I have been really troubled, depressed and agonized lately. That explains the rants for the previous posts.. Haha, I look back and laugh at myself most of the time as I sound like an emogirl95. It isn't because things are changing for the better or whatsoever, which in fact they're becoming even more complicated than before. Though I don't feel good myself these days, especially today, I constantly remind myself that life is like a roller coaster ride. Maybe someone up there is putting me up for a test which I think that I'm failing really badly. There may be ups and downs just like how it would be sunny after it rains but I realized how much more I learn when life is at its worse. However, I still prefer my life to be smooth sailing of course!

From today's incident which I will not elaborate, I learnt that actually, you don't have to make everyone like you. Why try so hard when eventually there'd be this one black sheep who dislikes you for whatever you do? You may be the nicest person in the world, or good looking.. But there would be STILL be people who would disagree and people who don't like you no matter what you do. Why should you even try making people these like you when they're obviously not going to put any effort about changing their mindsets about you? Best thing to do? Ignore these people and focus on the people who love you for who you are instead.

Only if you're able to accept your flaws and laugh at your own mistakes, then people's words wouldn't matter anymore. Their words wouldn't be able to hurt you because you know your own imperfections and you don't need these people to pinpoint them for you to know. These people are usually the type who would try to make themselves better by preying on other's insecurities. I used to not like myself for many reasons and I was really affected when people would laugh at me about things I'm unhappy about myself. Though I admit, there are still things about myself that I dislike, I don't feel as affected anymore if these trolls laugh at me about it. Honestly, I believe that if you don't have anything good to say, keep it to yourself. Some people just don't get it. 

Yes, I'm done trying to be in good terms with everyone. Even if you fall out of a so called friendship you had with a classmate, whatsoever...

Urgh, so glad I'm able to see her true colours. Ew, a friend who backstabs is not a true friend.

What pains me most

So far, I've been so clueless about my life. I don't know what I' m supposed to do in future because there're so many things that stopping me from what I REALLY want to do. I don't have anyone guiding me. My thoughts, doubts and questions are driving me crazy inside. I feel so overwhelmed by school that I feel so tired everyday. I'm on the verge of giving up on everything... And whenever I'm alone, my thoughts kills me, little by little everyday. 

We all change

First of all, it's funny that I haven't given anyone I know my blog's URL but only put it up on my instagram profile and yet, judging from the view counts people still come to my blog to read my rants and not only that, some even go back to my older posts waaaay back.. Those which even I don't remember myself posting. Stalker. HAHAHA! Whether you've come to my blog to laugh at me or to read it out of boredom, it's still heartwarming that some people still bothers reading even if for the wrong reasons. :')

Anyway, as I was feeling rather lonely tonight, my mind just can't stop thinking, or rather, over-thinking. Lying on my bed whilst looking around I realized that my bedroom has too much sentimental value. I guess it's because I've spent most of my life in my bedroom since many years ago when I moved into my house. Everything in my room means a lot to me and if something were to be missing I'll seriously panic. Sometimes I just look around my room only to realize how much things have changed. Things from the people close to me now and in the past, friends who have come and gone have given to me as gifts or whatsoever.. I'll treasure them all and put them in my room. No wonder I can't seem to move on. It's like I'm still holding onto the past which I know very clearly, will never be the same again. I don't understand why I seem the prefer the past more.. but for sure, I was much happier back then. Right now I have to many mental battles that I feel I'm going crazy. My current situation is too complicated for anyone to understand that's why I can guarantee that none of my friends knows at all. And I especially hate those who think they know me and have the cheek to tell me something is my style/ not my style or suits me based on image in their heads which I've portrayed. Doesn't mean that I often wear dark clothing wear rather "goth" accessories and all mean that I don't like pastel colors and cute stuff. In fact, I LOVE pastel colors and hello kitty. Seriously, f*ck all those people who tell me I don't suit having things like hello kitty. And I realized most of these people who assume that are those who often try to put me down.

Honestly I really hate my school right now for putting me in this class. Time and time again I've been let down by some people who I will not name. In the beginning I've been left out so many times. I remember me and 2 other friends used to be known as a 'trio' right from the start of poly life.. we were in the same CCA and every week, they would have lunch without inviting me every single time before CCA. Of course I was upset as this wasn't the only time I was left out, even in class or outside class they only took me as an option. That was about 2 yrs ago and it affected me quite a bit to the extent that I felt that I was the problem. Naturally, I left them and quit my CCA which in the end the other 2 quit and joined some other CCA together without me. :) I thought it was just them. But NOW, as of today, I learnt so much that among my '7 people clique' most of them are like that. They leave friends out and think it's alright. They wear class/school tees together, they go out, they go to the ladies, refill water bottles, go the gym, shopping, buy food/eat without inviting EVERYBODY. Sometimes some of them just disappear without telling the rest where they are. Once, I overslept for some event and they did not even bother to call me up or be concerned that I was not there physically. Wow. And they could have helped me take my attendance but they didn't. Only when I asked them to help me with that, then they decided to mark my attendance for me. However, once I asked them to take attendance for me as I was late but they didn't. Also, some of them would tell me some of the rest's secrets when they're not supposed to tell me and back-stab them. This aren't true friends. True friends wouldn't leave anyone out. But the rest of them seem so happy and contented with that. It's like they're satisfied only being friends in school and outside school, don't meet up at all as good friends. Maybe if they meet up is also for project purposes and rarely, to celebrate someone else's birthday. Talking about celebrating birthdays, I find it very unfair that they have celebrated most of their birthday's before and never mine. It's not that I'm petty or what la. But seriously, how can you leave someone else's birthday and be so enthusiastic about celebrating your other friend's birthday? For projects in school, they would form a group without even asking the rest. It's not in my nature to do what they did to me. But seriously, they deserve a taste of their own medicine. Fortunately now I've learnt that selfish people don't deserve my time and attention and trust me, if they ever needed my help I will NOT lend a helping hand. How stupid of me to have thought I was the problem when it isn't. Even stupider of me to care or share things with you guys when I don't get the same treatment. Friends should act like friends and even if you're not friends, you should act with conscience. Is it really a need to be so competitive in school and risking friendship?

I don't care if you're the person who I'm referring to whose reading this post. In fact I would be glad that you've read it and you ought to do some self reflection. Don't think I'm such a hypocrite for not pointing this out to you all in real life because I am very sure I wouldn't be calm when I talk about this issue and I assure you that you wouldn't wanna see me angry for real. In fact, I am very sure I have pointed out to some of you about how I felt but nothing changed. And besides, you notice I haven't even pointed out any names? If you feel guilty, remember, I did not refer to anyone specifically. :)